Just Jane

Inside

justjane17 — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 23:39:54 +0000

Do you ever feel like you spend more time pretending to be happy then actually being happy? You smile but beneath your smile you are dying inside. I feel like I have plenty of reasons to be happy but somehow it is not enough. I keep finding myself thinking “well if i only had this, I would be happy all the time.” But that is so wrong. You should be able to be happy with your life even if you don’t have everything you want right? I haven’t felt this way in a long time and maybe its just because I moved back for school. It seems like every time I move from school to home or from home to school I get depressed. It usually passes after a while but it sucks regardless. I think I lost my best friend. And I keep telling myself that its for the best because she really has said and done some horrible things to me in the past couple of years but I still miss her. And I miss T. He pretty much became my best friend this summer. I don’t know what I would do with out him and I can’t help thinking that eventually I will find out. He is never going to give me what I want. But its so hard finding someone else at his level. I feel like I look for him in every guy I meet. Maybe I shouldn’t even bother looking.

LOVE

justjane17 — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 17:35:11 +0000

I Love you. It shouldn’t be something you say at the end of every conversation. It shouldn’t be casual. People wait their whole lives to find someone to say I love you to. So why waste it? Say it when you feel it not when you’re supposed to. Love is so special and amazing. Why would anyone want to take away from that? When you are lucky enough to find someone who loves you as much as you love them then make every “I love you” feel like it’s being said for the first time. Don’t overuse it.

I told ya baby, I’d L-O-V-E you maybe….

justjane17 — Sun, 29 May 2011 06:50:55 +0000

So I’ve been avoiding writing on here because If I were to write about my time with T in full detail it would be epic. I’ll try to keep it very simple. It was perfect. As perfect as possible. Everything felt like it used to feel. It felt like when we first started hanging out. I felt like he wanted me and really cared about me. He was back to the guy I fell in love with to begin with. It was a little bit harder to say goodbye to him then normal because of this, but I was fine. The last day was the best. He wanted me to sing for him so he went online and learned to play a taylor swift song on the guitar for me. It was so adorable. And when he kissed me goodbye it was amazing. This sounds dumb but it was like one of those corny movie star goodbye kisses. Now he’s off to a diff country for most of summer. I’m so afraid he will meet someone in his internship group but I try not to think about it. Now I know for sure how in love with him I am. I wish I could tell him but I know it would scare him to death and it would ruin everything. maybe one day, but i doubt he will ever know. Today this kid I’ve been friends with basically told me he wanted to date me. That was awkward. But I tried to be nice and told him the truth: that I’m crazy about this other guy. Other than that not much else has happened.

Into the deep

justjane17 — Tue, 10 May 2011 22:52:20 +0000

Ok so I was looking back at my old blog posts and I realized that I actually used to write about things other than boys. There is so much more to my life than stupid N or T or S or A or J. Then I realized maybe the reason all I write about is guys, is because thats what the majority of my thoughts are about. And that is SOOO wrong. When did I lose my edge? When did I become so boring? I guess when I became happy? So can I have both? Can I still have deep emotional or analytical thoughts without being the little closeted emo kid I used to be? I don’t now. All I know is that there are some things I used to like about myself that I may not have anymore. And maybe thats just a part of living. But I need to find deeper meaning in my life. How do I expect to find and interesting person to share my life with, if I’m not interesting? Yes I have all sorts of entertaining stories and lately I’ve felt so alive and happy, but some of that is superficial. What would happen if the people, and things in my life that make me happy were taken away? I doubt I’d be as happy. Life to me is about self discovery. I don’t expect to find myself completely this summer, but hopefully I’ll make a small dent in that task.

To the hot host:

justjane17 — Tue, 10 May 2011 22:35:09 +0000

SO I’m back in my little boring hometown. I got a job and have some volunteer work to keep me busy so it could be worse. The funniest thing happened to me the other day, or more like I made the funniest thing happen. On my last day in orlando, me and my sister went to Disney. We went to this restaurant and there was this really hot host. What I noticed more that his hottness is that he radiated happiness like I can’t even explain. I am NOT one to go giving out my number but for some reason I was inclined to do it. Maybe it was the magic of disney that was clouding my judgement or maybe I had finally decided it was time to take control of my love life. Whatever it was it worked, because he texted me an hour later. Our conversation eventually led to talking about meeting up and he basically asked to to dinner. The only problem is, he’s only in orlando for the summer….I’m not. AND in the fall he’s going back to college in Miami….I’m not. So the question is, what should I do? I’m starting to lose motivation to pursue this any further than a funny story to tell people. Because do I really wanna find yet another guy that lives 8 hours away, just in the opposite direction. And it gets better, T is coming in to town on Saturday. Which probably means I will forget all about this new guy at the end of next week. Go FUCKING figure.

and I go back to July all the time….

justjane17 — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 03:27:21 +0000

So I ran for a leadership position for glee and I won . Its a good thing because I really wanted it and possibly bad because N is now the VP so I will see him even more. But I decided to leave it up to fate with him. I really like him but I feel like I can let him go. At least for the summer. I don’t think I’m ready for him or anyone right now really. T had been drunk texting me all weekend which was interesting and then on Sunday night he texted me “ Sorry for the drunk texts this weekend. I suppose that was just my way of admitting to myself and you that I actually miss you a lil bit.” I was so shocked to say the least. It had been sooo long since I heard him say that he missed me. It reminded me of how things used to be with him. How I used to know that he cared about me. How I used to feel so secure. Can I really get that back with him again. Over Christmas break he was so cold and distant. But when I saw him over spring break it was different. I still have no expectations when it comes to him. But for me the best possible situation I believe we could be in, is the one we were in, in the beginning. When it was fun and easy. If I could get that back then thats all I would need to be happy right now. Well, happy with Ted. Because on my own, I am perfectly content.

How many times will it take, to get it right?

justjane17 — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 15:16:38 +0000

SO a lot has happened. Last time me and T skyped I showed him a vid of me and N singing a song together. And boy did he hate on N! “He ruins the song! Your so much better than him!” Jealous much? lol. That week he talked to me a lot more than he usually does. Interesting….But anyways N was really starting to get to me. For me glee is supposed to be my confidence booster but when I come in to practice and saw N every time it was like my insecurities were staring me in the face. I’m assuming that he doesn’t like me since he hasn’t asked me out by now. Plus he even slept over at my house, in my bed, the night before and he didn’t try anything. So when I look at him all I think is “why doesnt he like me? whats wrong with me?” But I talked to one of my best friends about it and she gave me some amazing advice to make me feel better. She pointed out that I shouldn’t need anything at all to feel confident except myself. I should be able to find that happy feeling that I get from a guy or glee or whatever from within myself. Since then I have been thinking that way and I feel so much better. Plus I’ve been trying to work out a lot so I can get out my frustration. A couple nights ago me and N preformed our song together for the last time. Its funny because our song is “last kiss” which is a song about saying goodbye. Even though I know I will see him again I sort of felt myself letting go of him as I sang with him. It was very emotional. My friends who watched said they could see so much chemistry between us, but they also saw him go sit in some girls lap right after we were done. That sentence pretty much sums up our friendship. Hes too much of a flirt and even if he did like me idt I would ever be number one in his life. He cares too much about himself to have room for anyone else. Which reminds me a lot of someone else I know. *cough* T.

your so gay and you don’t even like boys

justjane17 — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 21:21:51 +0000

So N came over yesterday to chill. This is like the 50th time we’ve hung out. We TALKED and watched jersey shore………………really?really? REALLY? Maybe hes gay……

Jump then fall, and fall, and crash.

justjane17 — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 01:05:02 +0000

So T texted me exactly 7 days after I saw him. He literally waited one week to text me. And what did he say? “yo. im alive. just wanted to let you know. As if, AS IF he expected me to talk to him first. I didn’t even text back but then a couple days later we skyped for like an hour. Since then not much has happened unless you count his lame comments on my statuses. Me and N were really good, or so I thought. We hung out like every day for the past 2 weeks because we were working on a duet together. I thought that our friendship was more than just glee, I mean we did a lot more than just sing together. We talked a lot, I met all his friends, I felt like we really connected on a lot of things. But I have a feeling we might not hang out anymore now that our duet is over. I never thought a guy would be able to find a new way to use me but SURPRISE. This has just really got me down

Just another picture to burn

justjane17 — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 19:43:33 +0000

So my spring break was absolutely amazing for the most part. For the first couple of days I went to vero beach and partied with some of my best friends. One night when I was there I saw that my phone was ringing and that N was calling. I was a little shocked because he had never called me before. When I answered he told me he was calling because he heard a song on the radio that made him think of me. It was “jump then fall” by Taylor Swift. He knows I’m obsessed with her so I thought that that was really cute of him. So that made me really excited. Then I went to my hometown for a couple of days to catch up with my friends there. And finally I went to Panama City Beach with my friends for the rest of the break. We got a really nice condo that we all got to share and the whole time it was nonstop fun. It was a completely coincidental that T was also spending his spring break there. My plans to go there were very last min, my friend randomly invited me like a week before. I already knew T would be there and I considered not telling him at all that I would also be there. But I ended up telling him and he made it clear that he wanted to see me. I eventually did see him a couple of times but it was very hard to plan because of the groups of people we were with and the places we were staying at. We went to club la vela together which was really fun. I was surprised at how good he was to me that night and how different he acted. My friends even liked him. The whole night was like a dream, as retarded as that sounds. I was so unbelievable happy. After all the times I had imagined seeing him again, he was right in front of me. We ended up leaving the club early and having sex in his car. Classy right? But that was the only way we could have done it. I just wish we had more time. But our friends sort of got in the way of that. The next day I got a little annoyed at him because I realized that I was making way too much effort to hang out with him and even my friends could see that. So I can’t say we ended on a high note but I think we are ok. He’s coming back in a few months I think but idk. At the time being with him felt like such a good idea. But now I am just embarrassed that I couldn’t stay away from him and that I def sent him way to many drunk texts. But overall the trip was still so much fun. The only problem is, sleeping with T kind of messed up my head a little bit. Because my feelings for N have significantly diminished. There’s only so much room in my heart I guess. But I am just hoping that that is only temporary and that I will eventually care about him or someone else more than T. Because I really think I have a chance with N. But right now I am still in love with T. And its tearing me apart.

Me and T’s song from summer 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwhq-zyaT4U